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- There was a lack of urgency about it all. My small feet, with my impatient toes, padding around the length of my world with a vigilance and a vibrance and a ferocity that said I knew the way this game was played, the constants and the variables. I knew what was unchangeable and steady, what could never leave, and what might be gone tomorrow. Time was inconsequential. I was saturated by it, I could waste it however I wanted and there would always be more, none of it would count. But it did. The seconds were ticking off all along, through the playground romps and the lazy haphazzard unhappy summers, before there was a name for what I was feeling or a sense of wrongdoing for what I'd done. And it all just showed my unshakeable innocence. There were no questions. Words didn't matter yet. Actions didn't add up to anything substantial. It was a clean slate every morning. My memory was too short to remember past the daily and the future didn't exist yet, there weren't even possibilities because everything was always going to be the same as it was then. I remember having moments of realization before graduating from high school that my parents would never exist for me in the same way that they had for my entire life prior. Moments of panic that my childhood had actually ended, that I had reached the edge of something infinite. It didn't make sense, none of it computed, how was it possible? The comfortable nook I was living in just fine with my daily dramas and all too real complacence was being ravaged by time. It had passed, the years had fallen away, my body had grown, questions had formed and suddenly I was supposed to be ready for something that no one can ever be ready for. All the classes in school didn't prepare me for it. No one ever told me I was going to have to learn how to be a grown up. It was all just implied by the fact that my parents and every adult I knew had supposedly done it somehow and that at some obscure date far off in the future I would too, and it would be no problem. No one ever told me about the terror, the hardship, the frightening reality of realizing that that obscure date had arrived. I was suddenly there and nothing was ever going to be the same again. The time has come and passed and here I am, still a child, playing the role of an adult to the world, faking responsible, pretending I know what I'm doing, seeming confident, acting as though I have it all figured out, when really I'm still that scared, shaking, shivering child, holding my hands up to be picked up and cradled, rocked back to sleep, and just wanting a soft voice to whisper as I drift off that it's all going to be okay. ----- the beast - 11:43 p.m. , May 04, 2005 its all here - 8:41 p.m. , May 01, 2005 where'd you go psycho boy? - 8:59 p.m. , April 30, 2005 the moments you wont remember - 12:01 a.m. , April 30, 2005 a disturbing last letter you will never read. - 6:36 p.m. , April 22, 2005 |