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a feverish ramble It feels like someone is shoving shards of broken glass into my neck. This is all very amusing. Since I can't find the strength to move very far without being completely exhausted, I've been watching a lot of tv. Something I haven't done in a long time. A matter of years in fact. And completely aside from the sense of complete passivity it fosters in me, it also makes me feel very lazy. Not because I am laying on a couch watching a box with moving pictures on it and doing absolutely nothing productive, although you have a good point there, no, it makes me feel lazy because I watch tv and I look at the people on it, who apparently are living a completely different existence from me, and a good amount of these people are younger, or the same age as me. So this makes me wonder. What the fuck am I doing? This makes me wonder if I hadn't been encouraged to be so passive, would I be in a different place than I am in now? It makes me wonder whether these people are more exceptional than myself and those around me, or if they simply work harder. I think they just work harder. There are plenty of wonderful things inside me. And that pisses me off. That pisses me off a lot. Fucking bloody hell. This isn't much my style of writing anymore these days. This has become less a diary than an outlet for me to flex and practice my writing. Hence why it is so much more boring. But you know, I'm running a 102 degree temperature, so fuck it. When I was in the bathroom a minute ago it occurred to me that for the first time in a long time I feel alone in the world, alone and okay with it. Until very recently I felt really lost, separated from the part of myself I gave to Lauren. It was as if I gave it to her presuming she would always be with me, but I know that's not how it worked out. And I think at some level now I've truly given it to her, and I'm okay being without it. Though that connection will always be there. But alone in the world, and brave, and excited, it's weird. I haven't felt this in a long time. Since before I met her almost four years ago. Hmm. I told you I went to New York to see her, right? And that she's engaged? Actually I guess I haven't talked about any of that. Well I did, and she is. And that trip was exactly what needed to happen because I released her and she released me, and it was beautiful and emotional, and there is still no one in the world I love more, but our paths have diverged. And that's a hard, but wonderful and beautiful truth. God, I'm delirious, why have you let me ramble on for so long? By the way, my birthday party sucked, but I'm 21 now. woo. hoo. ----- - - 6:32 p.m. , January 29, 2005 personal empowerment - 9:48 p.m. , January 12, 2005 jaksdf - 7:22 p.m. , December 19, 2004 the break up - 11:08 p.m. , December 16, 2004 fists of rage - 6:28 p.m. , December 13, 2004 |