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new york Her cheeks are still so soft, and mine are still unshaven. Both wet with tears, sitting on the side of the highway, sparkling in the yellow glow of a super 8 motel sign. These are times of questioning. Who I used to be and who I am is a fuzzy line, and I know its just an endless line of change and growth and experience, but I am longing to just know, concretely, who I am and what I want, if nothing else. And just no matter how many questions get answered, there are always more. And there are times when it doesn't matter, when I'm standing in the open rain of a beautiful storm, with my arms raised and head to the sky, crying and touching the life running through my body and feeling the size of a redwood and wishing I was as firmly rooted to something, and I'm just there, alive. But sometimes I just want to scream until my lungs turn black with desperation, scream as loud as I can and demand an answer because sometimes my eyes turn into waterfalls and my heart radiates confusion and I didn't sign on for this and I just wish I knew what I was created for. I want to believe there's a reason for all this, that nothing's random, that it's not pointless, and there is a purpose that I just can't see yet. And I almost want someone to be angry at, someone's chest to beat my fists against, to blame, and to thank. I get so flooded with feeling that I can't speak and it feels like infinite, wonderful and awful, it's as if everything there is is being crammed into a tube too small to fit it and its being distilled and turned into something compatible with emotions and hooked straight into my veins, everything beautiful and ugly, hateful and loving, and I'm so happy I want to dance eternally, but I'm so sad I want to sing love songs and scrape my skin off with sharp rocks. But you have to keep going. Answers can't be demanded, they have to be found. So I'm going to wake up some mornings and cry, and I'm going to wake up some mornings and be strong. What else can I do? ----- - - 6:32 p.m. , January 29, 2005 personal empowerment - 9:48 p.m. , January 12, 2005 jaksdf - 7:22 p.m. , December 19, 2004 the break up - 11:08 p.m. , December 16, 2004 fists of rage - 6:28 p.m. , December 13, 2004 |