 |
|
new entries | older entries | diaryland | aim |
|
you never know The thing is that we're cowards. Life is inherently unpredictable. And its scary, because there is no way to know what is going to happen, with the exception of the knowledge that at some point down the line, it is all going to end, either with complete and utter darkness or some as yet unrealized, unfathomable next road. So there's fear. But we're cowards because we give into that fear. We're put on track systems, predictable. Go to school, grade one, grade two, grade three, you always know what comes next. What are we taught? Go to college, start a career, make as much money as possible, and make everything secure for yourself, predictable. Routines, we establish routines because its the next best thing to knowing exactly what is going to happen. Sure routines can be broken, but if they go as planned, everything is preordained. It is effective. But is it living? I know there's some part of me, somewhere, and it holds the potential to succeed in everything I do. I possess that. Its in there. But there's another part of me that wants to fail. A part of me that is terrified of all this uncertainty. A part that knows it would be easier to just give up. To stop caring. I am desperately trying to ensure success in everything, while simultaneously pretending I don't care. But growth doesn't come from success. And routines don't teach you anything. And usually fucking up a bit doesn't kill you. In a lot of ways, truly living is the same as dying, because in either one, you have no idea what is going to happen to you. I want to embrace the unknown. I want to live outside a routine. I want to be able to learn from failure instead of fearing it. And I want to lose all my expectations of life because if I can successfully do that I can never be disappointed. I suppose that is the goal. ----- - - 6:32 p.m. , January 29, 2005 personal empowerment - 9:48 p.m. , January 12, 2005 jaksdf - 7:22 p.m. , December 19, 2004 the break up - 11:08 p.m. , December 16, 2004 fists of rage - 6:28 p.m. , December 13, 2004 |