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laughing Sometimes I feel like I just want to be in a dramatic, abusive, unhealthy, dependent relationship. I want to get in fights on streetcorners, and cause scenes in restaurants. I want to scream and cry and then make up and then scream and cry again twenty minutes later. I want a beautiful girl to hit me in the face, and beat her fists on my chest and scream and call me names and tell me I'm the worst thing that's ever happened to her, before she collapses in my arms and tells me she loves me, sobbing. I want half the relationship to be paradise and the other half to be hell. I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to be obsessed, feel like I can't live without her, stand on top of tall buildings and think about jumping off just for dramatic effect. I want to break dishes. I want the neighbors to call the police on us. I want to be addicted. I want to sleep in hallways, passed out, after hours of screaming and banging on the bedroom door because she won't come out. I want to break up and get back together and break up and get back together. I want to be self centered. I want to talk about nothing but our relationship to my friends, and somehow always bring the topic back to us, and more specifically, me. I want to endlessly ask advice from people who are morons. I want to get fired from a job that I hate. I want the power to be shut off and sit in the dark and get drunk. I want to crumple onto dirty carpets and melt into them, leaving a greasy residue of me, the only evidence I ever existed. I want to buy a gun and finger the trigger and leave it lying around, unloaded, but out nonetheless. I want to point it at people when they come over, until they stop coming over anymore because they have decided that I have finally lost it and am no longer worth it. I want to stop shaving, shower every week or so, lose all concept of time, become abstract and nonlinear and write down disturbing little tidbits on napkins in diners. I think it would help my poetry a lot. But I keep falling for sweet girls. Oh well. Maybe destructive tendendies will develop someday. One can only hope. ----- - - 6:32 p.m. , January 29, 2005 personal empowerment - 9:48 p.m. , January 12, 2005 jaksdf - 7:22 p.m. , December 19, 2004 the break up - 11:08 p.m. , December 16, 2004 fists of rage - 6:28 p.m. , December 13, 2004 |