 |
|
new entries | older entries | diaryland | aim |
|
starting over I keep finding myself laying on the floor curled up in a ball. I find I am driven to create things these days. I find television can no longer hold my attention. I find that I don't do much. I can do 15 pull ups in a row. All my muscles are sore. Its overcast today. I find I get bored with the computer very easily. I find that I am missing people I have not seen in a long time. I think I am slowly disappearing. I find myself wandering about aimlessly everywhere I go. I keep planning dates with no one to take out. I find my thoughts are becoming less and less linear. I find that I am increasingly blank. I am starting to think in poetry. I see rhymes everywhere. When someone says a word I scan my brain for all the words or phrases that rhyme with what they said. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. I find that I am growing ever more tired of the same old people. I find I have little to say. I find that I continually slip into the same old routines. I can't stop myself from laughing at people on the street. I find I want to either scream or hug. I find that home has started to feel less like home. If I had money I would probably just leave. I find I have no desire to buy anyone christmas presents. I find myself more inclined to live my dreams and scream and laugh and love like I mean it. My body is getting stronger. Soon it will overpower the world. I feel like something is trying to push its way out of me and onto a pad of paper and I am just waiting for it. I dream about conversations. I don't sleep right anymore. The passion is gone. I just don't care. I never got sad like I should have. I don't think I will let myself. After this winter I am going to be a different person. For better or worse. Different. I look at things and all I can think is that someone made that. And I am not making anything. Well I wasn't. I am now. It's crazy. I have a strong desire to run in the snow. But I haven't met the person I want to run with. I am confounded by words and thoughts. I am obsessed with the insides of other people's houses. I am curious what other people's worlds are like. My life is very dramatic in my head. I am the star. And I have had dreams about screaming at you and punching you in the face and having long drawn out talks on balconies and going to New York and Paris and drinking champagne and acting arrogant and breaking vases. I find that elitism suits me quite well and I could care less what you think about that. I am looking for a pretensious little niche to cozy up in for a while. I keep thinking I smell something but I'm not sure what, but I smell it everywhere. This winter is going to change things. ----- - - 6:32 p.m. , January 29, 2005 personal empowerment - 9:48 p.m. , January 12, 2005 jaksdf - 7:22 p.m. , December 19, 2004 the break up - 11:08 p.m. , December 16, 2004 fists of rage - 6:28 p.m. , December 13, 2004 |